Your Girl Friday

Wow, haven't touched this in a month.  I don't even know where to start.

I found out my whole life has been founded on the worst choice I could have made in all my existence.  That was fun.  I cried all night after Gabriel left.  I still don't know how to feel about myself right now.  I can repent all I want, but it's not going to get me back the thing I gave up.  I'm a little afraid, too.  But I'll go more into that in a minute.

I went to go see mom and dad last week.  Same as I do every year, right?  Except that I left Ben here by himself, and somehow a demon found him.  Because of me.  He could have died.  I've spent this whole time trying to take care of him and make sure he was safe, wouldn't turn out like I did, and he did anyway.

I'm such a fuck-up pile of shit.

Bran came, white knight sonofabitch that he is, and I love him for that am so thankful for that.  All I did was ask him to come by and visit, and if he hadn't shown up, Ben and I could've both been dead.  So I did a stupid thing and I thanked him.  In a NC-17 way.  Because obviously Adam has fucked up my entire spectrum on how to thank someone for saving your life.  It was really good actually.  I don't even know what to do about it all now.  Him and his friend have been here three days, the taller one sleeping in Ben's room and Bran sleeping out in the lean-to.  I guess two guys can't share a hideabed or something.  That whole negotiation was almost funny to watch, but yeah.  Awkward.  Ben's sleeping on the couch.  He hasn't said a word to me about the whole thing.  I'm scared of when he will.

Everything scares me now.  Almost enough to make me wanna run again.  First time in years. 

Could I do it?  Put all my shit in the Firebird, give the dogs up, and run?  Could I leave this old shithole town and Jim's remains and just go?

I don't know anymore.

God, please.  I know that I've done you wrong in the worst way, but please.  Give me a sign.

I ended up selling the silver-tipped arrows to Jo, so those are now out of my munitions box, but I just had a fantastic idea.  I could fill tranquilizer darts with silver nitrate solution.  It's a lot cheaper and less time-consuming than getting scrap silver, melting it down, shaping it, et al. 

The website I went to says the nitrate has 60% silver in it, so that's good.  I'll have to experiment and see how well it works. 

I want to write about everything that's happened here over the last few days, but I don't even know how to put everything into words.  I mean, shit.  Angels.  If demons exist, I guess it's only logical, but angels with twitter?  The Book sure didn't prepare me for that.  I was expecting a heavenly light and wings and halos.  I mean... I knew there was something off about Dan.  It makes sense, in some crazy way.

I don't know.  I need to think about it some more.  I'll write again later.

INVENTORY
Munitions:
(10) boxes silver bullets
(18) boxes .45 wrought iron rounds
(12) boxes 9mm wrought iron rounds 
(24) silver-tipped arrowheads  — When the hell am I going to sell these?

Knives:
(7) Silver knives
- (5) plated
- (2) pure
(40) wrought-iron shō-kunai – sold in sets of (8); (5) sets total 

Stakes:
(24) Palo Santo
(26) Pine

Guns:
Too many to mention
(3) in modification stages

Considerations:
Paintball rounds filled with holy water and/or rock salt? Could be cheaper than shotgun shells? Not that most hunters care about being thrifty.

Branmuffin came through a few days ago.  Always nice to see him.  He's one of my favorites.  Still trying to get in my pants, though no surprise there.

Still no response to the post I made for the drownings in LV.  I think I might go down myself.  God help me.

Luke 17:20-21.

Once, having been asked by the Pharisees when the kingdom of God would come, Jesus replied, "The kingdom of God does not come with your careful observation, nor will people say, 'Here it is,' or 'There it is,' because the kingdom of God is within you."

Ever since I came back from helping Dan fix his tire, that's been up on the white board above my phone. The whole experience was... weird, at best. I have no idea if or when I'll see/hear from him again. He didn't get stuck in my trap, so obviously he's not a demon, but that doesn't mean he might be something else. There was just something too weird about him.

I don't think he was a demon. I just don't think he was "just a hunter who's been out of the game a while." Hunters don't retire; they hunt, or they die. That's what I've come to understand, at least. Of course, who am I to talk like I'm some kind of damned expert?

Jo emailed me a the same day I had the run-in with Dan to tell me that she was sending a client my way named Dean.  I had no idea it was Dean fucking Winchester.  I'd heard a few stories about the Winchesters from a woman a few years back.  They're legendary.  And I got to talk to one of them.  Not only that, but now I've got a box full of his stuff sitting in my closet.

God, this is a small world.

( Proudly Serving Lewis County since 1954 )

Tempora mutantur et nos mutamur in illis.


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